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BUT SERIOUSLY, FOLKS!
Crimson Tide v. Vols The third lawsuit in October By Bill Haltom I’ve always wondered why SEC football coaches are flanked by state troopers at football games. I first noticed this coach-and-smokies phenomenon some 30 years ago when the legendary Bear Bryant was coaching at Alabama. As the Crimson Tide raced on to the field, Coach Bear would amble slowly from the locker room, wearing his red blazer and black-and-white checkered hat. As he prowled the sidelines, he was always accompanied by two Alabama state troopers — one to his left, the other to his right — ready to protect him from a sudden assault by an Auburn fan. I always thought this was sort of an over reaction. Who in the world would have attacked Bear Bryant? Johnny Majors? Of course not. Why, every third Saturday in October immediately after Bama beat the Vols, old Bear and his state troopers would meet Johnny Majors and his smokies at the center of the field, where Johnny would always bow gracefully, kiss the Bear’s SEC championship ring, and congratulate him on his 27th consecutive victory over the Volunteers. The Bear had nothing to fear. He needed state trooper protection about as much as Santa Claus. But the Bear is in heaven now, and Johnny Majors got fired at Tennessee some 12 years ago because he couldn’t beat Alabama. Tennessee is now coached by Phillip Fulmer, who unlike the Bear and Johnny Majors, is a man who definitely needs protection, particularly when he makes a trip to Birmingham. Back in late July, Coach Fulmer and his fellow SEC coaches were scheduled to be in Birmingham for something called “SEC media days.” But the word down in Sweet Home Alabama was that Coach Fulmer not only needed a couple of Tennessee state troopers, but maybe the entire Tennessee National Guard and at least one good lawyer as well. Coach Fulmer got the word, and apparently he was pretty concerned. So concerned, that on advice of counsel, he cancelled his trip to Birmingham. It was probably a smart decision, as Coach Fulmer is about as welcome in Alabama these days as the Dixie Chicks would be at the Republican National Convention. Coach Fulmer is Public Enemy No. 1 in Alabama because a few years back, he reportedly gave NCAA investigators evidence that Alabama football coaches were doing a whole lot of cheating. Bama didn’t get the death penalty, but based on Coach Fulmer singing like an orange canary, the University of Alabama football program was given more jail time than Martha Stewart. The Crimson Tide Nation was outraged, not because Bama was caught cheating, but because most Bama fans fervently believe that Coach Fulmer is one big old cheating guy himself, and that he only turned state’s evidence, so to speak, to make sure he and his fellow Vol coaches didn’t go to jail as well. Bama fans got so riled up that they did something that the Bear never did. They hired lawyers and started filing lawsuits against Coach Fulmer, the University of Tennessee, and the NCAA, alleging that there has been a vast Big Orange conspiracy to do in the football program at the University of Alabama. One Crimson Tide lawyer even threatened to serve Coach Fulmer with a subpoena the next time he showed up in Birmingham or anywhere in the great state of Alabama. (As my all-time favorite actor, Wilford Brimley, said in Absence of Malice, “wonderful thing, suh-pee-knees.”) The Bama battle cry is no longer Roll Tide! It’s File Suit! Forget about the third Saturday in October. How about the third lawsuit in October? If you can’t beat ’em, sue ’em! My high school team, the Frayser High Golden Rams, had a memorable team cheer: “We may not win the game, but we’re definitely gonna win the post-game fight!” In Bama these days, Crimson Tide fans cheer, “You may have better linebackers, but our lawyers can beat your lawyers.” Well, I’m a proud graduate of the University of Tennessee where I received my bachelor of conservative arts degree in football appreciation. Therefore, as an impartial observer, I can assure all the fine people in the state of Alabama that the University of Tennessee runs an absolutely clean football program. Each member of our team is an outstanding student-ath-uh-leat (as Coach Bill Battle used to call ’em) who excels in the classroom, particularly in challenging undergraduate courses such as “Walking.” Believe it or not, that’s really a course in the University of Tennessee physical education department. Reportedly, it’s a much tougher course than “Sitting.” You have to be in graduate school at UT to take “Sitting.” Moreover, many of the outstanding student athletes at the University of Tennessee are probably headed to law school. I say this because from what I’ve read in the sports pages recently, many of them already have extensive experience in our criminal justice system. This was perhaps best illustrated by a not-so-funny joke that was recently told to me by a graduate of Vanderbilt, which, I have been told, is an accredited school in Nashville. QUESTION: What do you say to a University of Tennessee football player who is wearing a coat and tie? ANSWER: Will the defendant please rise? When I heard this joke, I immediately had a response for my Vandy buddy. QUESTION: What is the difference between the Vanderbilt football team and the Titanic? ANSWER: The Titanic had a good band. Well, here’s hoping the Bama fans will let bygones be bygones and someday (say in October of 2005) welcome Coach Phil back to the great state of Alabama with open arms rather than firearms and suh-pee-knees. Finally, I hope that the Bama fans drop their lawsuits claiming that the Vols’ domination of the Tide over the past 10 years has been due to a conspiracy between Coach Phil, UT, the NCAA, the FBI, the CIA, and the Farm Bureau. The Volunteers and the Crimson Tide have been doing battle for 100 years now, and we don’t need a class action lawsuit on behalf of Alabama fans to help us settle our differences. We can settle them like we always do … on the football field in October. Frankly, the Bear wouldn’t have it any other way. Bill Haltom, who admits to being a trial lawyer, is a partner with the Memphis firm of Thomason, Hendrix, Harvey, Johnson & Mitchell. He is president-elect of the Tennessee Bar Association and is a past president of the Memphis Bar Association.
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