BUT SERIOUSLY, FOLKS!

Hey Dopey!
It’s time for a civics lesson
By Bill Haltom

All right, class, get out a sheet of paper. We’re going to have a pop quiz!

1. Name the nine current justices on the United States Supreme Court. (Hey, you! No cheating! This isn’t an open book exam!)
2. Name Snow White’s seven dwarfs.
3. Name the three branches of the U.S. government. (Note to Bush supporters: The correct answer is not executive, executive and executive.)
4. Name the three stooges. (Extra credit if you can name the fourth stooge! Nyuck! Nyuck! Nyuck!)
5. Name the most recently confirmed member of the U.S. Supreme Court.
6. Name the most recent winner of “American Idol.”
7. Who was the defense attorney in the Scopes trial?
8. Who was the defense attorney in “My Cousin Vinny”? (This is sort of like the classic “Who is buried in Grant’s tomb?”)
9. (Multiple choice) The current Chief Justice of the Tennessee Supreme Court is: (a) Mickey Barker, (b) Harold Ford, Jr., (c) Houston Gordon, (d) Judge Joe Brown.
10. The current Attorney General of Tennessee is: (a) Paul Summers, (b) Phillip Fulmer, (c) Pat Head Summit, (d) John Jay Hooker, (e) Corey B. Trotz.

All right, class! Time’s up! Turn those papers in! Well, I’m not sure how you did on the test, but according to a recent poll by Zogby International, most Americans know the answers to questions 2, 4 and 6 but are clueless when it comes to questions 1, 3 and 5. That is to say that more Americans can identify Dopey, Sleepy and Bashful than they can Scalia, Ginsberg and Stevens.

Moreover, 74 percent of Americans can identify Larry, Curly and Moe as the three stooges, none of whom, by the way, ever served on the U.S. Supreme Court. Only 42 percent can correctly identify the three branches of the U.S. Government as Executive, Legislative and Judicial.

Twenty-three percent of Americans can tell you that Taylor Hicks is the newest “American Idol.” Only 11 percent know that Samuel Alito is our newest U.S. Supreme Court Justice and most of these folks can’t even tell you what song Justice Alito sang during his confirmation hearings (“Feelings”).

A whopping 60 percent of Americans know the name of Homer Simpson’s son (Bart), while less than 20 percent can name one of Homer’s two classic poems, “The Iliad” and “The Odyssey.” To show you how smart I am, I didn’t even know Homer Simpson wrote poetry.

Now I realize that a lot of lawyers will react to the Zogby poll by shaking their heads and bemoaning the mass ignorance of the American people. But before we get too smug, let’s ask a few more questions. Quick! Name the current Solicitor General of the United States. I’ll be you a rib dinner at The Rendezvous’ that 99 percent of the lawyers in this state can not answer that question without consulting Google. But if I ask you to name the prosecutor on Perry Mason, you would reply “Hamilton Burger” without even thinking.

Still think you’re smarter than the average bear lawyer? Well, try this one on for size! Name the Solicitor General of Tennessee. Did I hear somebody say John Wilder? Um, no, governor, you’re not the Solicitor General. You’re the lieutenant governor. Maybe you’d better stay after class.

My point is that all Americans — including those of us blessed to have a law license — are pretty dopey when it comes to Civics, and I say the time has come to quit being bashful on this issue. Wake up, Sleepy! It’s time to go back to Civics class!

Long ago when I was a boy, dinosaurs roamed the earth and the governor of Tennessee was always named either Frank or Buford. During that simpler time, all Tennessee high school students were required to take a Civics class. This explains how at the age of 14, I learned all about separation of powers, checks and balances and how a bill becomes a law. It was taught to me by a football coach who was my ninth grade Civics teacher. It has been said that a football coach must be smart enough to come up with a game plan and dumb enough to think it’s important. Well, Coach Civics was a smart coach and a good teacher. He could come up with a game plan, and he also thought it was important to teach ninth graders about the Constitution, the Bill of Rights and how we Americans live and work together.

So I say it’s time to bring back Civics to Tennessee public schools. I’m even writing the textbook. I’m going to call it Snow White and the Seven Justices.