BUT SERIOUSLY, FOLKS!

I, the Celebrity Juror!
First came celebrity lawyers such as F. Lee Bailey, Johnnie Cochran, Alan Dershowitz and Nancy Grace. Then came celebrity judges such as Judge Wapner, Judge Judy and my fellow Memphian, Judge Joe Brown. But ladies and gentlemen, get ready for the newest stars in the American legal system … the celebrity jury!

Beginning on Monday, Sept. 17, millions of American TV viewers will be able to tune in daily to watch “Jury Duty,” the latest nationally-syndicated courtroom TV series. Like “The Peoples’ Court,” “Judge Judy” and “Judge Joe Brown,” “Jury Duty” will feature real-life litigants battling over small claims. But the verdict won’t be delivered by a celebrity judge. Rather, the case will be decided by a panel of celebrity jurors such as Phyllis Diller, Dick Van Patten and Dawn Welles, who played Mary Ann on Gilligan’s Island. It’s sort of “Court TV” meets “The Hollywood Squares.”

The show is already being promoted in TV commercials with the tag line, “You’ve been summoned to watch ‘Jury Duty!’ Don’t even try getting out of it!”

The show will be hosted by Judge Bruce Cutler, a real-life defense attorney who has made a name for himself representing celebrity defendants such as Phil Spector and John Gotti. But the real stars of “Jury Duty” will be celebrity jurors such as Todd Bridges (best known for his role as Willis on the TV series “Diff’rent Strokes”), Charlene Tilton (Lucy Ewing on “Dallas”), Lee Meriweather (Miss America 1955), figure skater Scott Hamilton, and Tiffany, a celebrity so big that like Elvis and Madonna before her, she is known only by her first name.

According to the show’s web site, each episode opens with three celebrities being “caught off guard” as they are served a notice to show up for jury duty. But unlike real life, the celebrities do not respond by calling a celebrity lawyer to help them get out of jury duty. No siree Bob Barker! These celebrities gladly show up in the courtroom, given the fact that they are no doubt being paid more than a per diem for their appearance.

Once in the TV studio courtroom, Judge Cutler reads the complaint and questions the litigants who then each argue their case. (As in other daytime court TV shows, all litigants are pro se.). But then TV viewers will be treated to something that you never see in a real jury trial. The celebrity jurors will be able to question the litigants, in much the same manner as celebrity panelists on “I’ve Got a Secret,” “The Match Game” or “What’s My Line” used to ask questions. (Bennett Cerf circa 1958: “Is it bigger than a bread box?”)

Most entertaining of all, the TV audience will get to observe the jury deliberations, which will no doubt be hilarious as Phyllis Diller, Charro and Whoopee Goldberg get into screaming matches as they try to reach a unanimous verdict.

Well, I’m a noncelebrity trial lawyer in Memphis, but I’ve always dreamed of trying a case in front of a jury of celebrities. For example, I’ve always fantasized that Cybil Shepherd was sitting in the front row of the jury box, falling in love with me during my opening statement. And I have to tell you, I would love to have Mary Ann from “Gilligan’s Island” on one of my juries. I would also like to have as jurors Gilligan, the Skipper, the Professor, the movie star, the millionaire and his wife, and I would love to watch their deliberations (“Lovie, now you’ve got to listen to the Professor here! After all, we elected him our foreman!”)

But I’ve never tried a case in front of a celebrity jury, or even a celebrity judge, unless you count Judge D’Army Bailey.

But now I can tune in each weekday afternoon to “Jury Duty” and see a case decided not only by Todd Bridges, but also by Charlotte Rae and Gary Coleman. (At some point in the deliberations, Gary will turn to Todd and ask, “What you talkin’ ’bout, Willis?”)

I still dream that someday Cybil Shepherd will be the foreperson on one of my juries and will be so impressed with me that she will ask me to move to Hollywood and star in my own nationally syndicated series, “The Judge Bill Show,” costarring Three Six Mafia as the jury.

But until then, I will enjoy watching Zsa Zsa Gabor, Rich Little and the Juror Formerly Known as Prince decide cases.

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BILL HALTOM is a partner with the Memphis firm of Thomason, Hendrix, Harvey, Johnson & Mitchell. He is past president of the Tennessee Bar Association and is a past president of the Memphis Bar Association.