No Controlling Legal Authority

Time to duct and cover

This week as our nation prepares to go to war, the question on the hearts and minds of all patriotic Americans is … where can I buy some duct tape?

And the next question is, of course, when I buy some, what in the heck will I do with it?

Last week the Federal Department of Homeland Security upgraded the national terror alert level to "orange." Since I'm a Tennessee Vol fan, I was offended by this until I remembered that orange is also one of the colors of the Florida Gators, and therefore, in appropriate circumstances, the color orange can certainly be equated with evil.

When asked what we ordinary taxpayers should do in face of the orange alert, Department of Homeland Security officials recommended we buy duct tape and plastic wrap. Apparently the idea is that in the event of another terrorist attack, we can all wrap our houses like leftover pot roast. The next thing you know, we will all be building fallout shelters made out of Tupperware.

Well, I certainly want to do my part to whip Sadaam Hussein. After all, I'm not French. But I'm not even sure I know what duct tape is. To borrow Justice Potter Stewart's classic line about pornography, I would probably know duct tape if I saw it. After all, as they say, if it walks like duct tape and quacks like duct tape and has feathers like duct tape, it's probably duct tape!

Moreover, I pulled out my old high school American history text book this week and looked in the index under "duct tape." I was startled to learn that throughout the history of our great nation, duct tape has played a major role in the defense of liberty and freedom. Here are but a few examples as set forth in the complete quotations of some great Americans:

"The British are coming! The British are coming! Get out your duct tape and wrap your horses in Saran wrap!"

"I regret that I have but one roll of duct tape to give for my country!"

"Four score and seven rolls of duct tape ago … "

"Speak softly and carry and a large roll of duct tape!"

"We have nothing to fear but fear itself … and a shortage of duct tape!"

"Ask not what your country can do for you. Ask where you can buy more duct tape!"

"I am not a crook. I did not steal your duct tape."

"Are you better off than you were four years ago? For example, do you have more duct tape?"

"I did not wrap that woman, Ms. Lewinsky, in duct tape!"

These are just but a few examples of how we Americans have stuck together over the years thanks to red, white and blue duct tape.

So, take heart, my fellow Americans. In the event of an attack, we know what to do. That's right. Just duct and cover.

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