I’m addicted to Starbucks. I’m not exaggerating. I am literally addicted to Starbucks.

Every morning (and when I say every morning I mean every morning), I start the day by driving to my neighborhood Starbucks where I get my grande nonfat latte.

I don’t even have to order it. The baristas at my neighborhood Starbucks know that I’m going to have a grande nonfat latte, and they prepare it for me as I’m walking through the door. If they see my car pull up in the parking lot, they start preparing my latte even before I enter the building.

My neighborhood Starbucks is like Cheers, where everybody knows my name … and my drink.

When I’m out of town either on vacation or a business trip, the very first thing I do is locate the nearest Starbucks.

Last summer, my wife and I took a vacation to China. It was fascinating. We hiked along the Great Wall, visited Tiananmen Square, and experienced the intensity of Beijing and Shanghai. But I was absolutely miserable because I could not find a Chinese Starbucks.

Seriously, I really am addicted to Starbucks.

For years, I have lived in fear that either a Congressional investigation or a class action would close Starbucks. This fear is based on my irrational belief that there is something in Starbucks coffee besides caffeine. Starbucks must put something in my latte that is the source of my addiction. After all, I don’t want to blame myself. Consequently, I often have sleepless nights and not just because of my excessive consumption of caffeine. I have recurring nightmares that some tea-sipping weepy Congressman will launch an investigation into Starbucks, or worse yet, some fancy pants lawyer will file a class action on behalf of all of us Starbucks addicts. I am determined that if they ever do, I will travel to Washington at my personal expense to testify on behalf of Starbucks, and I will opt out of the class for the lawsuit, or better yet, agree to serve as an expert witness for the defense. To my great relief, Congress has done nothing about Starbucks. This is no surprise, since Congress really does nothing about anything. Doing nothing is what Congress does best.

But the big lawsuit against Starbucks has now become a reality. It was filed in federal court in Chicago in late April by a chilly plaintiff and her cold-hearted lawyer. It is not a class action, but it does seek millions of dollars against Starbucks. And the basis for this lawsuit? According to the Complaint, Starbucks puts too much ice in its iced coffee.

You read that right, venti iced latte breath! There are too many ice cubes in Starbucks’ iced coffee!

More than 20 years ago, a jury in New Mexico awarded $2.86 million to a 79-year-old woman who suffered third-degree burns in her pelvic region when she accidently spilled hot coffee in her lap after purchasing it from a McDonald’s Restaurant. Her lawyer successfully argued that McDonald’s coffee was “defective” because it was too hot.

The trial judge reduced the final verdict to $640,000, and the woman and Ronald McDonald then later settled for a confidential amount.

Unfortunately, the McDonald’s “hot coffee lawsuit” became a poster child for tort reform.

And now a woman in Chicago is seeking $5 million in damage against Starbucks because its iced coffee is too cold, or more accurately, has too much ice.

Well, I certainly agree with the Chicago plaintiff that Starbucks iced coffee is too cold. I agree because as far as I’m concerned, any cup of iced coffee is by definition too cold. Coffee is supposed to be hot. “Iced coffee” is an oxymoron like “jumbo shrimp,” or “working vacation.”

If my neighborhood Starbucks barista ever put ice in my coffee, I would probably sue him for fraud, breach of contract, and intentional infliction of caffeine distress.
Just the thought of it gives me chills.

It is my fervent and caffeinated hope that the iced coffee lawsuit will soon be settled. The last thing we trial lawyers need is another tort reform poster coffee cup. And I want Starbucks to stay in business serving me a hot latte every morning.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to take my morning coffee break.
 

BILL HALTOM is a shareholder with the firm of Lewis Thomason. He is a past president of the Tennessee Bar Association and a past president of the Memphis Bar Association. Read his blog at www.billhaltom.com.

Read a review of Bill’s latest book, Milk & Sugar: The Complete Book of Seersucker.